#dearknow1

Honest words from a broken heart.

Though I knew you would lie, I’m sad you didn’t tell the truth. As I sat there, hoping for once you would be honest, you looked me in the eye and lied. You had no obligation to tell the truth, but I held out hope. Hope that there was the capacity within you to do it. You lied and I smiled, because a smile covers hurt. I smile to make you think I didn’t know. I wish I didn’t.

A Heart Felt Cry

Today’s post is not a poem or word of encouragement so if you want to delete the email or ignore the post… feel free.

I have been told since I was a young child, “Stefani, you can’t save the world.”  I have always tried to help others.  If I heard of people in need, I wanted to help.  If I heard about someone killing another (or themselves), I felt like I (even though they may have been in another country) could have made a difference.  I speak Spanish and had an in-law (not far from me) who was pregnant.  She was having complications and since her relationship with me wasn’t close, she didn’t call me.  The hospital sent her home and the baby died.  If I could have been there I would have argued with the hospital, but I wasn’t.  “Stefani, you can’t save the world.”

A local teen who was a classmate of my son’s friend, killed himself last night.  Said he was going for a walk…  My son’s friend and I were talking about him LAST NIGHT and how he was missing school and stopped caring, etc.  He was CRYING-OUT for help and NO ONE was listening!  “Stefani, you can’t save the world.”

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HIM WHILE HE WAS ENDING HIS LIFE!!!  “Stefani, you can’t save the world.”  

I asked my sister “Why are we losing our youth?”  She said WE aren’t losing OURS, THEIR parents are.  “They are quitting and giving up on their kids acting out or wanting to be left alone.  This is the result.”  I thought again, “Stefani, you can’t save the world.”  But, I was JUST TALKING ABOUT HIM!  If I had thought, maybe we could go to see him and talk to him. Maybe we could have stopped him in time… But, NO life is too overwhelming and we didn’t have TIME.   Well, now we have TIME, but HE doesn’t.  And the kicker…I repeat…

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HIM WHILE HE WAS ENDING HIS LIFE!!! 

Doesn’t the school have a counselor.  Don’t they know the signs of pre-suicidal teens.  Why didn’t they SEE him?  Do SOMETHING?  DID they try?  How is their conscious today?

Since the world began to only care about “MY FOUR AND NO MORE” we have lost our sense of community.  The village CAN’T raise the child because we are no longer a village.  We are just a bunch of beings walking around only occupying our own space, numb and dumb to any world, but ours.  So afraid of being sued or hurt if we out our nose in someone else’s business.

Stefani, you can’t save the world, it’s not your responsibility.

If everyone says, NOT I, then WHO WILL?

This is my heart felt cry!

4 Rooms

My house has 4 rooms
4 doors that never close

They are filled with:

Wisdom
Achievement
Loyalty &
Love

Then the WALLs began to crumble
The years began to pass

The doors once open
Filled with life
Emptied as each chose a different path

Door 1 closed;
Off to college with hopes for bigger things

Door 2 closed;
Off to play sports, I can reach my dreams

Door 3 closed;
Off with friends, phones and clothes
And “You know what I means”

I sit at home
In the 4th room
Alone
Longing for their return

I hope their doors will open soon
Before mine is closed for good

There are 4 rooms in the house
On a sign that says for sale

It once was full of life they say
Who’s the owner?
No one can tell

An empty house is no one’s home
The 4th door has closed at last

The 4 great winds
They closed that door
My 4 rooms are now my past.

Without Words

In a world without words, full of windows and walls
Could we get through the fight, through the fuss, without falls?
Is it even worth all the time it would take?
To find out who’s REAL, push through all the fake.

In a world that’s full of itself and no more,
The rich are now idols, no one cares for the poor.
Can I feel your pain, can you feel mine?
I sorry you’re hurt; I just don’t have the time.

Don’t just look at ‘my four and no more’,
People really need a knock at their door.
They don’t always want your money CHILL OUT!
That isn’t what true friendship is really about!

Please, just take the time to smile, it’s not hard.
What would you do if you were dealt that card?
Open your heart, love them, lend a hand!
It could have been you, don’t you understand?

210

I’ve done it again,
I’ve got another double chin.

I feel tight in my skin,
I guess I’ll never be thin.

I’m the butt of every joke,
Can you pass me the coke?

I do it every time,
I’ll take a slice of key lime.

My body swelled up,
I couldn’t fit in my pants.

I never ate that much,
I didn’t get the chance.

DNA played a part,
Then I added my own.

My body’s like jell-o,
My heart like a stone.

I’m tired of their talk,
I think I’ll take a short walk.

A run never hurt,
‘til my knees hit the dirt.

Heart beats fast in my chest,
I just need a rest.

I’ve done it again,
I guess I’ll never be thin;
There’s nothing wrong with weighing 210.

The Tornado

I was on the path to destruction:

Twisting and turning
Avoid this 
Jump over that
Ignore those

When I finally reached my destination
I felt proud having made it
All of my hard work paid off

Then, I turned around
I seen all the heartache, loss, and pain
The path led straight to me

Somewhere along the way
I became the path
I became the tornado

If I Should Die

If I should die before I wake, did I resolve every mistake?

Did I count all the good times, over-come the bad?

Did I make a great mother; choose for my kids a good dad?

 

If I looked into the past, could I see my tomorrow?

In my life did I make, the best choice I could?

If the choices were bad, did I re-do them with good?

 

If I could go back, would I do it the same?

Would I still have your child, even take your last name?

We parted ways early, way long before death.

In my heart you will stay, ’til my last dying breath.

 

Has my life been so bad, that there’s no good I see?

I have my kids, house and life; there’s no shame for me!

I’ve done the best that I could; in all that I’ve tried.

The decision was made, a sad farewell, I cried.

 

If I should die before I see you again,

Just know deep in your heart I was content ’til the end.

Loneliness

I have been trying to figure out how to release all my struggles without burdening others, I finally remembered that I have this blog. DUH! I mean who do you tell that you get so tired of struggling, when everyone around you is struggling? Complaining is selfish and is considered a pity party, so don’t go to the pastor.  But, the new saying is that the struggle is real, I have said it. The saying bears much truth.  No one really wants to hear your problems because they are too busy dealing with their own.  My problems are not so great that I cannot handle them, but stress kills.  I don’t want to go out like that.  I fight the feeling everyday of quitting.  I have no job, am in college on line at 36 years old and try to help anyone that I can (I know how to say no, so no worries about taking on too much).  I am just healing form a double mastectomy with a tram flap reconstruct (which is a lot, needless to say).  I just stay frustrated.  I fight the urge to crawl back into bed when the children leave for school.  I don’t want to have to face the day and I never want to sleep at night.  I try to stay sane to keep my children stable.  I just lose sight of the goal and have such a hard time trying to think straight that I just want to give up.  Sorry about the lack of paragraphs (if someone actually reads this).  My goal is not to inspire or break anyone’s’ hopes, I just needed to release this and the blog is the only place that I have to do it.